To set the scene, I was in Texas visiting my bestie and her family. We had gone out for sushi, it was flooding rain outside, and we were having casual conversation over dinner. Our casual conversation:
Me: “You know what movie the Muppets need to make?” (As if they were their own entities, able to decide on and sign new deals or manage their own lives. As if they had lives. Yes, hi. It’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me.)
Bestie’s oldest daughter, Redhead #1: “What? We didn’t like Muppets’ Christmas Carol, soooo….”
Me, ignoring Bestie’s Boyfriend who says he only likes classic Muppets: “Princess Bride!”
Every jaw dropped. We have a longstanding love of Princess Bride. When the girls were younger, my sister even recreated Princess Bride scenes with Legos with the kids during her version of “summer camp” with them. (You can see some of the scenes here.) Naturally, my rather brilliant idea won over the table.
We quickly started talking which Muppet would play which character. After Princess Buttercup and Wesley, we were divided, recasting roles and moving Muppets from one place to another. We wished for a feltboard (dating myself there), or a whiteboard so we could see where everyone was and who had been cast. Clearly it was a visual exercise. But let’s see if we can recreate it!
Princess Buttercup. Clearly the lead role must go to Miss Piggy. Not only is she the best fit for the role, I am certainly not going to be the one to tell her she didn’t get it. Karate chopped this early in the morning? No, thank you!
Wesley. Our leading man has to be none other than our leading Muppet: Kermit the Frog! He’s Miss Piggy’s One True Love. He can play the Man in Black with ease (can’t you picture a mask on that darling little face?) And who doesn’t want to see Kermit utter my favorite line in the whole move: “Drop. Your. Sword.”
Vizzini. After casting our leads – the easy ones – we moved on to our second set of main characters: the villains. Vizzini, leader of the kidnappers, was hard to cast. We thought about Gonzo, but then we wanted him for another role. Vizzini is super charismatic, a bit devilish, and loves to use the word “Inconceivable!” While he does have a lot of dialogue, and that’s in contrast to how we typically see Animal played, I thought Animal could carry off the insane character traits and maybe say “Inconceivable” the same way he utters “In controooooool” through Jason Segal’s Muppet Movie (instant classic). If you have a better suggestion for Vizzini, let me know in the comments!
Inigo Montoya. One of my favorite characters! We need someone lithe, someone with pep, someone who could pull off leather pants while wielding a sword. We need: Pepe the Prawn! He has an accent, and everything! One of my favorite memories of introducing Princess Bride to my kids is when my oldest, Gracie, won herself a comb from the arcade that operated like a switch blade. [We’ll leave that terrible marketing decision alone.] She must have been about 7 or 8, running around my parents’ house, wielding the comb like Inigo’s sword, chanting: “Hello! My name is Monigo Montata! You killed my father! Prepare to die!” I can’t!! That kid, I swear. So, yeah. I went with a “new school” Muppet because I think he has the X factor to pull it off. Though I nearly went with Floyd or Sam the Eagle.
Fezzik. Fezzik was one of the easiest cast, and I think the first we thought of, laughing over our dinner. There’s even a physical resemblance between the oversized Muppet, and the oversized Andre the Giant. Makes you wonder if it was an homage. Who can’t hear Sweetums asking, “Anybody want a peanut?” or climbing the Cliffs of Insanity with Miss Piggy, Animal, and Pepe clinging to him.
Prince Humperdinck. We come to our main main villain! At first, we talked about making Gonzo play Vizzini. Gonzo is always the bad guy, the arch-nemesis. He just has the necessary panache. And he foils Kermit so perfectly. But while most of the action is between Wesley and Vizzini, and Gonzo has the mouth to pull off all of Vizzini’s lines, we decided he needed to be the bad guy who was pulling all the strings. Humperdinck. Gonzo will be able to wear that shit like a crown! It ended up being one of my favorite castings.
The King and Queen. Setting aside Count Rugen, our last major character to cast, let’s move onto the minor characters, beginning with the King and Queen (since we’re talking about the Prince). They don’t do much in the movie, other than wave at the villagers, escort Princess Buttercup around, and get dizzyingly excited when Buttercup kisses the King after announcing her impending suicide. Scooter is a main Muppet, part of the core crew. And while Skeeter certainly was for Muppet Babies, she’s sadly disappeared from the Muppet Show. I found a cute mock-up of what she’d look like and yeah, I think the pair of them fit here nicely!
The Albino. Mel Smith was brilliant as this spoof of a henchman. Making the study of pain his life’s work, and metering out torture by sucking away years of Wesley’s life once he’s been captured: it’s a glory to watch. And who better from the Muppets to act as a hulking, goofy barbarian, torturing years of Kermit’s life with bad jokes? It has to be Fozzie! Though we did consider Animal and bad drumming at one point. Like I said: lots of moving pieces and trying out different looks!
Miracle Max and Valerie. This iconic duo who show up to help Inigo and Fezzik bring The Man in Black back to life, I had to find someone fuzzy and offbeat, someone who could bring the laughs. And the madcap science that Benson can bring: of COURSE it was these two. Beeker beaking “LIARRRRRRR!” the way Valerie does. Ohhhh, I cannot wait!
Impressive Clergyman. “Wuv. Twoo wuv. Wuv is what bwings us togevuhhh today.” If anyone fights me on the Swedish Chef playing the Impressive Clergyman, I will cut you. I mean, the dude even has an impressive hat! This (obvious) choice had the table in such laughter we nearly choked.
Yellin and the Guards. Yellin isn’t a terribly important character, than ordering the guards about and handing over the “Oh you mean this gate key?” key to the portcullis. But we need a role for our faithful Rowlf, and this seems just the thing. Get it – he’s a guard dog! And since we need a flock of guards (to be doubled), who else should step in but Camilla and Gonzo’s flock of chickens.
Count Rugen. Which brings us back to Count Rugen, our last main dude. We had such trouble casting him. Gonzo could lend the gravitas. Floyd and Doctor Teeth were still in the mix, and the Muppet who blows shit up. But I wanted Floyd, Dr. Teeth, and Janice to be in the minstrel band. They can get routed out of the Thieves’ Forest. Sam the Eagle, maybe, but he could never pull off being a bad guy. Unless that was his schtick and he kept complaining about it. We had lots of back and forth over sushi. I was nearly sold on casting Jack Black (an honorary Muppet, if there ever was once one), we we finally decided we’d turn it into a crossover event, which would give us access to the Muppets of Sesame Street. I thought about casting Bert and Ernie together, and they could keep counting their fingers to see if they were the six-fingered man. And then Corrie, bestie that she is, busted out with: The Count! The COUNT has to be Count Rugen. He’s The Count!
The Ancient Booer. Also known as the Heckler, I figured if we were making it a crossover event, we should use another Sesame Street character. I suggested Big Bird, because he’d stand out in a crowd. And he might be nice about it, but he would honestly ask Buttercup why she married another when he true love lives. Might be a right pest about it, asking oh-so-innocently. But the Redheads said Oscar the Grouch was the only logical choice for a heckler, and dimmit, they were right!
The Grandson. I thought we were done casting the movie. Then the girls asked who was going to play the grandson. I was going to go with Robin, but Corrie quickly answered and said I could use Jack Black (who was my answer to almost everything at one point or another), and it fit. It’s a goofy, spoofy movie – why not?!
The Grandfather. Which leaves only the The Grandfather. And who better to play the incomparable Peter Falk then the most highly esteemed Morgan Freeman. Everyone’s voice of reason, of logic, of the Universe, of love. Morgan Freeman will softly and surely respond, “As you wish.” And everything will be right in the world.
So there you have it! Our casting choices for the Muppet’s version of Princess Bride. I don’t know why they haven’t hired me to write the script already; clearly we are filled with collective genius!
Can't Get There From Here 